HOW TO AVOID GETTING STUCK IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH PSYCHOPATHIC NARCISSISTS AND OTHER CONTROL FREAKS
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The study of human behavior, as also found in psychology but not so much in psychiatry, is the crux of this article; confirmed and guided by the never-changing, Scriptural Word of the Lord Jesus Christ. Nevertheless, as many psychologists also use psychiatry in their “talk therapy,” one must be careful to “test and prove everything to see if it is from God,” (1 Ths. 5:21-22.) Additionally, where the word “victim” is used, it does not mean a “victim mentality that merely seeks sympathy” or anything similar. It factually refers to the true “injured parties,” “fatalities,” or “casualties” of barnyard bullies, narcissists, psychopaths, and other sadists.
Psychopaths are people without moral conscience. They are also either grandiose or secret narcissists. They live among us everywhere in the world. They head politics and religious structures. They head many of our homes; preach in churches; and educate and raise our children. Many of us are married to them. They work with us and live next to us. They date our daughters and our sons; worship in the pews; lead our youth groups. Many are our family and friends.
Encarta Dictionary explains a “psychopath” as follows: “Somebody affected with a personality disorder, [note that it is not insanity but a chosen mental state,] marked by aggressive, violent, antisocial [but not really shy] thought and behavior, and a lack of remorse and empathy.” Psychopaths will promise you the world today and tomorrow they will deny they know you. They destroy people spiritually, and cruelly torture people and animals emotionally and physically without a thought to moral conscience. Many become physical murderers and serial killers such as the attractive, charismatic, and seemingly ‘normal’ Ted Bundy, who raped, tortured, and murdered a confirmed number of thirty women, while authorities suspect the real number can be fifty or higher.
In the mind of the psychopath there exists only one person: the psychopath. That is why they are also narcissists.
No one will ever change a psychopath or narcissist, unless that person deeply, truly, and personally turns to believe in, accept, and follow Jesus. However, most psychopaths are so religious they know the Bible from front to back, but hardly ever turn to Jesus, because, like narcissists, they are only capable of worshipping the “self” within and without.
Believers must never be “unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness…? Christ with the devil…? Believers with unbelievers...? The [Scripturally born again] temple of God with idols?” (2 Cor. 6:14; 1 Cor. 6:9-11; 15-20.) True believers and unbelievers come from two different spiritual realms, but on a physical level, they share life and space here on earth. Believers “cannot go out of the world,” (1 Cor. 5:9-13.) Until “the end of the world,” the righteous in Christ and the wicked, (“the wheat and the tares,”) will grow together in the same “field,” (Mt. 13:49.)
¨ Jesus’ parable of the “wheat and the tares” is not about “church Christians” and the “unbelieving world.” It is about truly born again believers in Christ, (the wheat,) and outwardly religious church Christians, (the tares.) ‘Tares’ look much like edible wheat, but it is a weed called ‘poison darnel’ or ‘false wheat.’ It grows among real wheat in the same fields. It is only when wheat and ‘false wheat’ ‘bear fruit’ or come into seed, that the difference between the two species becomes clear. Ripe wheat ‘seed’ are brown but the kernels of poison darnel or tares are black. So, in this parable, Jesus was comparing the inward ‘hearts’ or spiritual state of true believers to false believers, or mere religious people. Unbelievers resemble the world and are easily recognizable, while “tares,” the poisonous impostor, resembles true believers, (wheat,) but belongs to the world without Christ. “Tares” are therefore always the greater enemy.
Christians were taught, where the Bible speaks of “believers” and “unbelievers,” it is a comparison between ‘the church’ and ‘the world’ – as in the separation between the sheep and goats, (Mt. 25:31-46.) But the Bible was not written for the unbelieving world. New Covenant Scripture focuses on those who profess Christ. First, before Jesus’ death and resurrection under the Old Testament Covenant; drawing conclusions between true believing Hebrews and the Old Judaist temple system, (Heb. 8:13.) Then, after Jesus’ resurrection and ascension under the New Testament Covenant, drawing a parallel between the believing body of Christ and false church Christians.
¨ This is why Jesus gave us only one measure to ‘judge’ character to know who we really are ourselves, and who we are keeping company with: our continual ‘fruit’ or behavior, (Mt. 7:15-20.) This does not mean occasional slip-ups condemn us because we all sometimes sin, (Jam. 3:2; 1 Jn. 1:8-10.) Neither should occasional “niceties” that could precede abuse deceive us. Our constant behavior reveals our true priorities and the character and thoughts that power them.
True believers and the religious structures, norms, and outward forms of the world have nothing in common. This is why Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 5:9-13, “…I did not command you not to keep company with the world [without Christ, because you must preach the Gospel to them as opportunity arises and the Spirit leads… Mt. 28:18-20.] But do not keep company with… anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, covetous, an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or extortioner – do not even eat with such a person! For [we must not] judge [the immoral deeds of] those who are outside [the assemblies of believers, but of] those who are inside. Those outside God judges. [We must discipline, not condemn, the immoral among us who profess Christ, Mt. 18:15-20.] Therefore, put from yourselves evil people [the Christian tares.]”
Therefore, it is foolish to think we will automatically find Godly friends, or a truly born again spouse in church. We must live with our hearts directed toward heaven and our eyes wide open (or mentally aware) here on earth. Many believers have befriended and married Christians that pretended to be “wheat,” only to discover they have yoked themselves to “tares” or house devils, masquerading as church angels.
This is why the following guideline in choosing relationships applies to everyone that might impact our lives. It has nothing to do with snobbishness, sinful self-righteousness, or partiality. This is about Godly discernment for the sake of our physical lives on earth and our eternal lives in heaven. We are not expecting perfection because we “all stumble in many things” as we mentally and emotionally grow in God’s knowledge and in grace, (1 Pt. 3:18.) But we must be logic and sober in all things by “testing and proving everything to see whether it is of God,” (1 Ths. 5:21; 1 Jn. 4:1-4.) By living in denial and careless trust, we open ourselves to Satan to set us up for sorrow, strife, loss, and destruction, (1 Pt. 5:8.)
1. Do not get closely involved with anyone who does not sincerely share your love for, and Scriptural obedience to Jesus, although they profess Christianity. Do not think you will change the character of a Christian or anyone else that does not have a sincere passion for the truth of Jesus’ contextual Word. Not even God violates our free will to force us to change. So, if it seems that you are succeeding in the beginning, it might be that they are just playing along to get you into their deceptive power. Give it time before you let people into your heart and life. In the long run, he or she will probably persist in their original decision not to submit to the Lord Jesus Christ. Religiosity is the greatest enemy of all true believers. James sternly warned believers who disobeyed the crucial commandment to abstain from outward religiosity. He wrote in James 4:4-5, “Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with [the dangerous, deceptive, religious] world is enmity with God…”
2. Never get involved with anyone who violates trust and frequently acts irrational. If this person breaks his or her word and displays infidelity or any of its accompanying demons, (lying, secrecy, unwarranted anger, manipulation, deceit, and underhandedness,) flee for your life. Every healthy relationship, (marriage especially,) pivots on trust, openness, accessibility, honesty, and sober mindedness. Sin always come in gangs. A discarded, abused, neglected wife or husband may find it possible to work through one betrayal, but a series of cheating, adultery, and other forms of infidelity destroy not only relationships but innocent people, marriages, finances, families, and lives.
3. Avoid ‘nice’ people who secretly look after their own interests and do not really care about you or other people in a Godly way. Sanctimonious people usually ‘keep their peace’ when they must do what is right. They closed themselves off emotionally to give nothing or very little of themselves either to humans or to God’s other creatures such as animals. Unless it suits them because it fits into their hidden agendas, they hardly ever seek what is Godly and right, and so, they will ignore your real needs, as well as the needs of others. They pretend to be wise and self-controlled but show cowardice in the face of adversity. If he/she does not defend you now when his/her friends and family bully you, he/she will drown you in a dreadful sea of so-called ‘passivity,’ while aggressively destroying you, your faith, relationships, finances, and life from behind your back.
4. If that interesting Christian guy or girl narcissistically seems aloof and polish themselves and their belongings to perfection without limitations, win every argument even when they are wrong; pretend to be so picky that they only wear and eat the best of everything or conversely, go about unkempt, glutinously gobble up most of the food on the table; have their sweaty hands all over you without your consent, swallow as much alcohol as possible, blow their smoke and stink breath all over you, and turn corners around every sensible conversation, they will diminish your love for Christ, your self-respect, and everything else that pertains to your life. Flee as far away as you can. Once yoked to such selfish control freaks, you will find yourself in the stranglehold of mostly religious anacondas whose death grip on you tightens every time you exhale.
5. In addition, avoid people who deflect or avoid your valid requests, questions, and conversations; are preoccupied with “selfies” and other forms of self-adoration; are addicted to alcohol, drugs, porn and other fornication, gambling, violence, or any other destructive or aversive thing - snobbish or wild family and friends especially. “Bad company corrupt good morals,” (1 Cor. 15:33.) Chances are, whether this person is polished or scruffy, he or she will never exercise self-control and crucify their scrambled priorities. Once you start tolerating their bad habits, you might always be yoked to a egotistic, double minded person who drags you every which way but forward and heavenward. Unrepentant, bad behavior will only deteriorate over time.
6. Beware of people, who get very agitated, defensive, abusive, manipulative, moody, dishonest, and even violent when they don’t get their own way, or when they must explain their whereabouts, bad behavior, and unwise decisions. We must all be willing to give an account of our behavior, beliefs, and decisions, (1 Pt. 3:15.) No one can live a double life with a double agent of any kind. Their mixed priorities, confused information, mind games, and bad attitudes will drive you crazy and worm away your life from the inside out.
7. Be careful not to fall under the spell of charismatic jokers who play cruel jokes and humiliating pranks. We may all appreciate a bit of sincere humor, but if jokers target our character, race, intelligence, morality, and sensitive areas of our lives, red lights should flash. If people display rudeness and cruelty of any kind towards you, other people such as waiters, servants, workers, and animals, you may be involved with dangerous psychopaths. God warned in Proverbs 26:18, “Like a madman who throws firebrands, [agitation, trouble making,] flaming arrows, and death, so is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I was only joking.’” Maliciousness and cruelty always power unstable, loveless, unyielding, and self-absorbed characters.
We must pray continually to be delivered from all forms of evil. Satan works just fine by himself and through his demons, but because he is a spirit, he prefers to work through those who can really touch our ‘hearts.’ So, he always uses those closest to us to deal us the deadliest blows.
God does an almighty work in keeping us safe from the countless schemes of the evil one. However, may God give us the grace and spiritual discernment never to underestimate our personal responsibility to exercise “alertness and sober mindedness.” The devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking to devour” those who sleep while they are not securely hidden under the wings of Jesus, (Ps. 91.) “Resist him, [and flee where possible from him;] standing firm in the faith… [and in the truth of God’s Word, as well as in the truth of every situation that comes our way.]”